In a world of comparison I have been left feeling inadequate. So many of my close friends have seemingly entered a period of perfecting their crafts. They have been mastering their expertise, sharpening their skill sets, and preparing themselves for the right opportunity to display their competencies. Not to mention, they have all been increasing their worth in the labor market.
Beyond my recent masters degree, I haven’t felt as though I’ve been honing any particular skill. I’m aware of how absurdly privileged that sounds, but hear me out. My grad program was such a psychologically unsafe period of time for me that it may take years before I fully process what learnings I took away from it. I guess it’s hard to be proud of how much of a better swimmer you’ve become, when the teachings came as a result of treading for your life, in the middle of the ocean, for a year straight. Yes, my legs and lungs are much stronger, but at what cost? Maybe I’ll revisit what I’ve “mastered” once the trauma of almost drowning for 52 weeks subsides. Until then, I haven’t healed enough to fully appreciate the silver linings.
Nevertheless, I feel how I feel about my own capabilities. Nick has been working on his scripts and applying to writing fellowships. Di Di has been taking courses in blockchain. Zach is studying law at Harvard. Justus is stepping into his identity as an artist. Lauren is falling in love with being a newborn care specialist. And outside of these reflections, it doesn’t feel like I have anything to point to as a consistent craft I’ve been working on.
But I must not fall victim to my own deficit thinking. There is an abundance of potential and talent within me. I must remember that. In many ways, I have become a much deeper and intentional pupil of discernment. I have also seen my storytelling and story-excavation abilities strengthen. And what just dawned on me, in this Starbucks in Goose Creek, is how much of a designer I have always been, and how much of a designer I’m seeing myself become…
Design is a process for responding to problems that have no clear or singular answer. Although I have not been working on my design skills actively (in the form of formal study or feedback loops), they have constantly been churning in the background of my day-to-day. Over the past few months, I have supported Di Di, Danielle, Justus, Nick, Stefani, Noah, Allison, and Malakia with the myriad of challenges and growth opportunities in front of them, all with the principles of design at the center. And what an honor it has been to assist my friends in this way.
I have always considered myself an “idea man.” More specifically, I have always enjoyed building on the ideas of others. Even as a youth, my mantra was, “I’m not the guy to come up with the million dollar idea, but if you bring me a million dollar idea, I can help make it a billion dollar idea!” Oddly enough, as I recall this mantra of mine, even with its hyper-capitalistic overtones, I can see that there was always a designer in me. One who enjoyed a problem in need of solving–no matter what it was. One who thrived off of the excitement of emergence and new discoveries.
Truly, that is what design thinking is all about. Now, with my heart set on community and liberation, I ought to revisit another previous belief of mine: Design is an approach that can be used for creating equitable and inclusive responses to deeply complex social issues. It can also be a powerful tool for community (re)building and Black liberation. The time has come for me to begin putting this belief back into practice.
Oh, the irony! I have quite literally been trying to design the ideal vocation for my life. Sitting here, racking my brain to identify the “skill” I should be using this period of (f)unemployment getting better at. Meanwhile, it’s been staring me in the face this entire time: design.
So to my future self, here’s an affirmation for you when the boomerang of insecurity inevitably returns: YOU ARE A DESIGNER. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
